Wednesday, November 20, 2013

jumbled thoughts.

one day i had this thought come to my head that i needed to find my old memory cards that i no longer used because they were full. as i'm scrolling through old pictures & old memories i came across this beautiful picture of syd, a picture that i had never seen before. every time her & my brother had something special going on, she would ask to use my camera & then she would transfer all the pictures to her computer. for some odd reason this picture never made it to her computer & i know that at that moment i was supposed to find this picture.

since february 7th 2013 i have avoided posting anything on social media, i have avoided attending the cemetery, & i have ran from anything that would bring me closer to my sweet angel. i ask myself over & over why but can't come to any type of a conclusion other than i have lost a lot since having her here. i felt like the longer i ran from it, the less real to me it was. although i will keep the last few weeks i had with sydney between her & i, i will share with you just what i have experienced without her being here. since that thursday morning when i got the call… i have not spoken to my little brother dakota. i don't remember what it's like to have a conversation with my brother which at the time, was one of my closest friends. being in the presence of my home you feel as though something is missing, & that something.. is sydney. she became such a close part of my family ever since her & i first met my junior year. i find myself distancing myself from my friends & especially my husband because i lack the understanding of why this happened & why i can't accept that my life will never be the same. i often find it hard for me to remember the good & not focus on the bad that came from one of the hardest trials i will endure.

i know that my heavenly father has a plan for me & i have faith in his timing. he blessed me with a husband who was worthy to take me to the temple, who knew that tyler would be there when life took such an unexpected turn & would lay his hands on my head for peace & comfort when the ability for me to keep going... seemed near impossible. i am so grateful that i can go to the temple in times of despair & feel sydney closest to me. over the days & months i have relied on my savior & trusted him. i don't need to wonder why or how… but trust that this is all part of my eternal plan. i trust that he will guide me to where i need to be so i can return to him & someday see syd again.

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